Writing this in late November - a month in which I’ve averaged the least sleep, and seen my busiest weeks, in 2024 - while verging on a cold, I am no exception. In this final window of the calendar year, everyone seems to double down to meet sales targets, network, utilise budgets and close out projects “before things slow down over the holidays”.
But do things really slow down? Those with children home, family visiting, travels or a more active social calendar may find that it is just a different season of busy - our bodies and minds are still wrapped around something if not email, clients or deadlines.
Over the past 10 years, I have actively refined how I spend my time and energy in the final weeks of the year. Used right, the holidays present a precious opportunity to restore or build ourselves to a thriving state, and seed big changes in the year ahead.
Unheeded, I have found myself paying back double in January and playing catch up - there is no avoiding the essential. Joyce Sunada says:
If you don’t make time for your wellness, you will be forced to make time for your illness.
In this article, I will outline non-negotiable principles and “prescription” for self-care, distilled from a decade of practice in making the most of the holidays.
first of all, What does feeling "cared for" feel like?
I never thought about the concept of self-care as a child. Perhaps my caregivers carried this burden but life was simple: eat, play, school, homework, sleep.
What I was well-taught and highly-trained to do (in both formal education and informal culture) was to excel and be useful to society.
I had no clue, as an adult, what care feels like. For the first 15 years of independence, I would drink tea, restlessly twiddle my thumbs in nail salons, dine in fine establishments… waiting for the much-touted and elusive lightning bolt of invigoration, joy, energy and wondering if I was “doing self-care right”.
It’s like we skipped the chapter on “How to Be an Adult” about being responsible for our whole being and wellness. Our bodies are seen as taxi cabs taking us from place to place, task to task, with our emotions and spirit as passengers experiencing the byproducts of events. The concept of adulting is wrapped up in the external markers of drinking/ driving ages, buying a home, travelling, getting married… and not the internal journey of belonging to and stewarding oneself.
Honour the “self” in “Self-care”
Here are some untruths I discovered along the way:
❌ There is no one-size-fits-all textbook or checklist of activities for self-care.
❌ There is no external measure or judge to opine on how well you are cared for.
❌ Self-care is not
What’s trending on Insta.
How much you spend on luxuries.
Signing up for a silent retreat.
It’s not about the activity (or the bragging rights) but rather, what you give your attention to, and the need it fills. Self-care is, put simply, tending to your needs. Those needs are always unique to who you are, and your condition, at a particular point in time. How does a magazine or influencer get to tell you what you need?
How do I know what I need?
This was a tough one for me too.
It wasn't until I had I straightened out my people-pleasing wiring that I began to hear my true voice (and needs) amidst the cacophony of externally-imposed standards, ego-driven wants and nervous system-triggered coping mechanisms.
The fine calibration that helps us differentiate true fulfilment and care from shallow admiration and dopamine hits is available to every person. What many struggle with is - there is no substitute or outsourcing for the close attention and self-knowledge asked of you in this process. But investing in yourself is never wasted.
If you’re willing to look, the Healthy Brain Platter suggests 7 daily activities for optimal wellness. This framework has guided me to identify my needs and I hope it jogs ideas of where to start in your life.
Two things before we dive into my ‘prescription’ which aligns with the above framework.
First, let’s level. The reality is, there will be a fair share of days that we don’t hit this ideal. For instance, I am pretty deficient on play (or sleep). I manage the former with protected windows in my schedule on a weekly basis - and I credit that for the pep in my step on Mondays. Sleep is another story (read on…)
Second, should you choose to audit your life with this framework, please invite self-compassion and the spirit of improvement along. Anything is better than nothing! If your life lacks regular doses of any one of these activities, the holidays present a chance to right the balance and fill your cup.
The Prescription
1. Focus Time
“When we closely focus on tasks in a goal-oriented way, we take on challenges that make deep connections in the brain.”
The temptation I once experienced, inside a capitalist mindset, was “let’s use this time when no one else is working to get an edge”. I wish I could hit a buzzer or pull a fire alarm, because this is the total opposite direction!
Since we get plenty - or likely too much - focus time at work already (I hope…) in our regular routine, the recommendation is brief: bring that focus to anything but work.
Bonus points if you choose to focus on any of the areas below!
2. Play Time
“When we allow ourselves to be spontaneous or creative, playfully enjoying novel experiences, we help make new connections in the brain.”
This is the main reason I travel. When my kids return from a new environment and way of life, they don’t just learn something about the world. They also know and love themselves a little better - new discoveries they like; the agency from being able to tie their shoelace independently or collect firewood.
But travel is a highly-involved activity - sometimes too involved. (Believe me, I’m currently kitting out my tropical children for their first ski experience.)
There are many opportunities to play without taking a trip. I try to say a little prayer each day to invite wonder in. A reminder to look for something new in a routine stroll to the store can powerfully direct your attention in the right direction. There is always something to discover even in a place you’ve lived for a long time, if you are willing to step outside the ordinary.
3. Connecting Time
“When we connect with other people, ideally in person, and when we take time to appreciate our connection to the natural world around us, we activate and reinforce the brain's relational circuitry.”
I love that this prescription is about communing not only with (carefully chosen) human beings, but also with nature and our physical environment. The former often brings the revelry and bonding of shared meals, parties, outings and rituals. The latter calls for quiet and presence - be sure to make a date with your nearby (National) park too.
The holidays can bring some forced family time with people you would not otherwise choose, and perhaps struggle to connect with. I can only offer some sympathy and tips for navigating this in Reframing the Holidays.
4. Physical Time
“When we move our bodies, aerobically if medically possible, we strengthen the brain in many ways.”
Increased calorie intake is one obvious and practical reason why this is ever important during the holidays. This brain scan might be added motivation. The holidays are the easiest conditions to dedicate 20 minutes (1.4% of your day) to walk - for increased happiness, health and many other benefits.
5. Time In
“When we quietly reflect internally, focusing on sensations, images, feelings and thoughts, we help to better integrate the brain.”
As human beings, we are incredible self-regulating systems, capable of accomplishing amazing things and pushing through massive shocks and stressors.
That said, if you’re in a high performance environment (like a startup), you’re doing hard things, and they are never done fast or big enough! Successes are usually cursorily noted before our attention moves to:
“What’s next - and yet to be done?”
“How do I get more out of my day and myself in order to achieve X?”
Time In is where we rebalance the brain’s default negativity bias. During the holidays, I spend a few days reviewing all that happened in the year.
In this process, I often realise that I have not properly celebrated my wins and breakthroughs when they happened. This is when
I can fully experience a sense of accomplishment and pride in my efforts.
I appreciate the people I got to share time and space with.
I get present to the lessons and growth that came my way.
In addition to memory (which is notoriously unreliable), I use various forms of documentation - my calendar, photo album and even social media feed - to help populate a comprehensive list of everything that happened, and equally important, did not happen.
With disappointments, we may be forced to course correct or damage control in response, without fully processing the experience of “being not enough” or “being let down”. Acknowledgment is vital here to truly close the chapter. Make peace that you have done your best, and forgive the mis-steps.
Whatever year I’ve had, this cathartic and healing practice has reliably served me, freeing me up to start the next year, with a clear and full heart.
6. Sleep Time
“When we give the brain the rest it needs, we consolidate learning and recover from the experiences of the day.”
We know the statistics and evidence behind the importance of good sleep, and how lack of rest is an insidious silent killer - yet habits don’t change.
I’ve learnt the hard way that there is no substitute or hacking strategy for physical rest. While confronting the cost of chronic and accumulated sleep deprivation, I recently discovered my relationship to sleep - as an obligation I resent and reluctantly do, not dissimilar to how my son completes his household chores 😜
For those of us who are over-achievers at work, or who carry disproportionate mental and emotional loads in and outside of work, sleep is often the first to be negotiated away. Like climate change, the full impact is felt much later.
If this is a helpful nudge, I’m actively transforming how I see sleep in this holiday season. My ideal is 7 non-negotiable hours, a consistent bedtime of 11.00pm and most importantly, I enjoy and look forward to getting to bed. I would love to have sleep buddies who are working on the same thing!
7. Downtime
“When we are non-focused, without any specific goal, and let our mind wander or simply relax, we help the brain recharge.”
Admittedly, one contributor to my poor sleep is my peripatetic ADHD mind. Downtime was particularly befuddling to me as someone well-indoctrinated in the capitalist mindset that we are a waste of space if we are not doing something all the time.
I hope this piece of the framework validates “doing nothing” for you.
I have learnt to find ways to be still, and be OK with it. Unplugging from technology and meditation help to put the brakes on the Spirit’s eternal striving. Working with hands - painting, piano, gardening, cooking, for instance - directs my brain to be fully present. Challenging workouts in nature keeps my thoughts from scanning my perennial to-do list.
That said, these are all still activities with some kind of focus that satisfy earlier categories. In my experience, downtime happens like flow state - you realise it after the fact, like a shower or commute absent of pressing deadlines. Building in buffer times, and creating space, are what will allow us to catch downtime and rest in non-physical ways.
True self-care is essential, deeply rewarding and renewing. You know you've got it, in your gut, body and consciousness, even if you don’t have an IG post for it.
I hope you will have the priceless gift of wholeness as the year closes. Please receive my sincere wishes for your wellness this holiday season (click here with audio and video)
May you have peace and be whole and present in every moment.
May you deepen your understanding of others and feel seen and appreciated in your own skin.
May you receive gladly and richly and reciprocate generously.
May your self-worth be independent of your bank account, labels, titles or possessions.
May your sense of aliveness and what's important, be untainted by economic prosperity.
May you be well, nourished by wholesome food, laughter and fulfilment in balanced measure.
May your consciences and wallet be full, and your hearts fuller.
#FounderMentalWellness #MentalWellness #RevolutionOfRest #PuttingTheSelfIntoCare #SelfCare #Holidays
Credit: The Nap Ministry for a number of concepts referenced above.
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